I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
