quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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