in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
