She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize