Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
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