This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
