i permit you to call me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
