escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
