First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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