I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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