piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
