also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he thought i was a dude.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
