my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
