Having a random hookup so left but love u
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
