I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
