Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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