his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
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My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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