Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I look better un-naked...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
