she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
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he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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