you would pick up someone in the library
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
