Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
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well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
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Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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