She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
