you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
