Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
