apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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