I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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