Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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