can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
