Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
