I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
