My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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