dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
