Will you blow on my dice?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
