Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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