Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
