and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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