Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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