I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
