we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
