my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
