My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
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