Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
