i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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