I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
