if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
