the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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