Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The air was thick with penises
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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