i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
