She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
