So drunk its hurt
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
