I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
