im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
