It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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