I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
