she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
