I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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