im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
